This happened a while ago, but it’s so good, I had to share it here:
Now this is a different kind of crazy. It’s not the regular ‘schizophrenic-rant-on-the-sidewalk-about-the FBI-while-wearing-a-colander’ kind of crazy. It’s the ‘am-I-really-seeing-what-I-think-I’m-seeing’ kind of crazy. But you be the judge.
The following is a true story.
Picture this: Two young women are out and about on a chilly, but sunny afternoon. With them are (whom I assume are) their respective children – one little boy toddler, about two years old and one little girl toddler, about the same age. Totally adorable. They’re all Asian and the little kids are dressed in those traditional silk Chinese pajamas with flowers and trees all over them. So cute. Are you getting the picture? Sweet and adorable, ok? The kids are running around in a store and causing slight havoc, but not out of control by any means. Regular kid stuff. Nothing to stare at. Not until they drop their goldfish crackers all over the floor. One of the mothers picks the crackers up and gives them back to the children to eat. Umm? Yuck dude. But ok, whatever. If you want your kids eating gross, dirty shit off of a New York City floor, knock yourself out chick. But like I said, whatEV. I’m not too interested.
Then, the little boy says something to his mother and she pulls out an empty sandwich-sized ziploc bag from her purse. Hmm…what is she going to do with that? I’ll tell you. While he stands, she pulls down his little silk pajamas bottoms to reveal no diaper, just a bare baby bum and holds the bag in front of him. The kid doesn’t miss a beat and proceeds to pee into the ziploc bag, as his mother holds it open for him. Now, mind you, conscious reader, all of this is happening in front of strangers. The other mother, by the way, doesn’t seem to think this is a big deal at all and looks on like nothing is going on. Hell, if her daughter had a penis, she’d probably employ the same tactics.
Everyone else in the store is dumbfounded and shocked silent with confused and disgusted looks on their faces. WHY is this kid peeing in a plastic bag? Why didn’t she just ask to use the restroom? How many times have they done this, in how many different environments? And why, oh why, don’t I ever have a camera when I need one?
When the young, resourceful lad was done (he almost filled the bag), his lovely, ingenious mother zipped up the bag and PUT IT IN HER PURSE. She then continued to shop like nobody’s business. With urine in her handbag. And I’m assuming, all over her hands.
I don’t think “keeping urine fresh!” was the manufacturer’s intended use.
I wish I didn’t observe this out-of-this-world disgusting act, not because of the “AAACK!!” nature of it all or the gross-out factor and instant heebie jeebies, but because I’ll never be able to see, hear or say the words “Ziploc bag” again without seeing that kid and his mother. I never thought that “Ziploc bag” would be a punchline.
Furthermore, I don’t enjoy all of the uncomfortable questions that keep springing into my mind like, “What is she going to do with the pee?” or “Is leakage ever a problem?” and “How many urine-filled ziploc bags does that bitch have in her purse?” or “How (and why!) do you teach a baby to pee in a bag and when will he outgrow this habit? 5… 10 years?” and “Does she ever wash her hands?” and my particular favorite, “What if he had to do number two instead?”
Duh. Everyone knows you use paper bags for that.