I feel sick today. My head is congested and my stomach is upset. I have no appetite. This has me concerned because I always have an appetite. Is it you, Swine flu? Or regular flu? Something I ate? Something I didn’t eat? Who coughed on me?
Yeah, I think it’s the Swine Flu. Joe Biden thinks I have the Swine, too, and wants me to stay off all planes and the subway – and away from his family. So does CNN. In fact, Anderson Cooper reported I died two days ago. He even photoshopped a picture of me with the caption “Typhoid Mary,” colored it bright red with crayon, Google-mapped my apartment and labeled it “Ground Zero.” Rick Sanchez injected himself with you and has a hologram charting his rate of infection in the CNN Newsroom. You can twitter or facebook him about it. FOX News warns me that socialism is to blame and adds that I probably had it coming anyway. Glenn Beck starts to cry and through the tears, makes an angry analogy to “I Am Legend,” then yells “We’re all going to die!” and collapses. Interesting. Am I Will Smith, or is he? My local news thinks I should be cautiously optimistic; I should stay away from the elderly and toddlers, but if I get a fever above 104, I should rush my ass to the nearest ER tout de suite. President Obama doesn’t care if I have you, but doesn’t wants me to call you Swine Flu anymore because, well, it’s not really fair to the pigs (no offense). Mayor Bloomberg doesn’t want me to overreact because he takes the subway every morning and doggone it, he’s NEVER seen a person cough. He repeats it en espanol and runs away from the podium, mumbling something like, “I’m late! I’m late, for a very important date!”
My across-the-hall neighbors won’t answer the door, but I can hear them building something, maybe a fallout shelter. Someone runs by me in a gasmask. I think it was the Super, Carlos, but I couldn’t really tell. Back in my apartment, I hear my upstairs neighbor’s dog running around in circles again. Can dogs get you, Swine Flu? I hate my noisy upstairs neighbors. Stomp stomp stomp all day long. And that damn dog. I think I’ll write them a letter, consisting of the sentence “Boo!” and wipe my Swine Flu all over the envelope, which will say, “You’ve won a trip to Mexico!” and slip it under their door. That’ll show them (I shake my fist at the ceiling).
What a media sensation you are! I’m impressed. You’ve got everyone running around in surgical face masks, screaming bloody murder, hoarding their children at home, while a little more than 1,000 people in the world actually have you. Funny, if the media is so concerned about public health, maybe they should consider promoting the use of condoms to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS – an ACTUAL pandemic that’s killed millions – and stop reporting obvious information about hand sanitizer.
Swine Flu, now that I think about it, you’re not so bad. While I’ll agree you’re totally annoying and overexposed, at the same time it’s also really fun to watch everyone go ape shit. Let’s hope you’ll keep everyone nonsensically preoccupied while I murder my neighbors and blame it on you. Here’s to a good flu season.
Love Always, Sarojini