OMFG. This is the definition of insanity.

First of all, I’m not happy I’m home sick on New Years Eve, feeling sorry for myself instead of drinking champagne with my friends and making out with strangers. I really look forward to drunk kissing all year. Second of all, watching tv on New Years Eve is uncomfortable at best. And now that we’re on the subject, this show is neither rockin, nor does it have 81-year-old Dick Clark. It does, however, have lots of terrible live performances. It’s terribleness is pretty outstanding actually. Most of the live performances sound like loud screeching or cats fighting in a bag. It makes me wonder, if all of these live performances are indicative of how artists really sound, then maybe I sing better than I thought.

Let’s take New Kids on the Block. I know, I know. What? Why are those guys still around? And why are they on tv? Well, everybody deserves a second chance, right? I’ll admit, I was a huge fan of New Kids on the Block (NKOTB!) twenty-plus years ago, but do I really want to hear them now? Do I want to hear and see middle-aged former teenie boppers try to sing songs they could barely sing when they were twenty years younger? The answer is…yes? I mean, this could be interesting, right? Like, so-bad-it’s-good kind of interesting? Did I mention that Washed-Up-Boyband-#2, The Backstreet Boys, were singing with them, all together on one stage? Thank you thank you thank you, New Years Eve gods. NKOTB sang snippets of all of their hits, a montage of hits, if you will, including a newly 38-year-old (born on Dec.31st) Joey McIntyre (the rest are in their 40’s) singing “I’ll Be Loving You Forever” badly because it was written in a key meant for a pre-pubescent boy. Production spared no expense – pyrotechnics, fancy boy band hats, lots of shiny leather and big screens with bright, neon geometric patterns that made no sense. So much fire and lights! Ah! So amazing. Also, all ten of them (including Donnie Wahlberg – Markie Mark’s older brother) were dancing in choreographed 1988 moves. Boy band crotch-grabbing to the max. It was a train wreck most people don’t see too often – unless you’re a roadie for the NKOTB/Backstreet Boys tour or home sick on New Years Eve. The best part – and I mean this sincerely – is that they all looked so happy. They were all genuinely happy to be there, in front of millions of people, looking silly and singing and dancing badly. But all I could see was sheer joy. Well, I can’t hate on that, can I?

Happy New Year!