February 1, 2011 by Sarojini Seupersad
Settle down. Don’t get too excited and try to stay focused. I know this winter’s been SICK and all of you are cold, pasty, malnourished and sick of watching too-tanned Brad Womack in a steaming hot tub, but you gotta stay with me here. I have some news for you. The world might be coming to an abrupt end (see photo courtesy of NOAA) and it’s very important that you prepare for the worst apocalyptic situation. First of all, do you have clean underwear? This is optimal, because if you go outside tomorrow, you will definitely suffer a slow, frozen death by icicles and no one wants to go to the morgue today wearing only yesterday’s unfortunates.
Secondly, although no ice or snow has fallen yet, you should cancel all plans to leave your apartment for say, the next four weeks. The Department of Sanitation or The Office of Emergency Management will dig you out of your apartment in March. Have lots of canned beans, bottled water and ramen noodles ready for emergencies, but in the meantime, you can still eat some fruits and vegetables, Mr. Bourgeoisie, if you have them. The pipes will surely freeze and break and water will gush all over the street then freeze instantly, so don’t expect to use the toilet and make sure to have a bucket nearby. You can forget about showers because this is no time for frivolity. Call your mother and tell her you love her, even though she pushed you too hard to join the tennis team (you should be more social!) to disastrous ends and made you wear communist glasses until the 8th grade. You’ve gotten passed it and you don’t blame her for anything, obviously. You’re very self-aware during emergencies.
Learn to start a fire with only a rubber band and a leftover chinese food container. In this new frozen apocolypse, this will make your neighbors jealous and provide reason for them to elect you leader of your newly created mini-society,which was formerly your apartment building. Things are looking up, yes?
Listen, I didn’t say it was going to be easy, but with some superficial changes to your life, you too can survive The Ice Storm. And no, your ipad won’t work. It will be frozen solid like everything else.