How To Trick Your Body Into Thinking You Maybe, Possibly, Kinda Ate Something Healthy In The Last Week

Eating fruits and vegetables is boring and gross. Who wants to chew all of that pectin and nature? That seems like a lot of work, possibly requiring the help of a knife and fork, with very little payoff. I don’t know about you, but I think a jelly donut and a two-liter Pepsi, followed by another jelly donut, is the best way to start the day. I don’t even want to see a fruit unless it’s in a tube, covered in caramel or frozen on a stick. Vegetables? Only in my Bloody Mary’s, on top of my cheeseburgers or in my hand right before I throw them at street performers.

This is gonna sound crazy, but fruits and vegetables are actually good for you (whatnow?) and sometimes your body likes it when you eat them. Unfortunately, and they don’t teach you this in school, if you don’t eat enough “nutritious” food, you can, I dunno, get all sick and have a heart attack or something. I’m no doctor or scientist or anything, but I’m pretty sure that would be a major drag. This doesn’t really seem fair. So, what do you do? If you think fruits and vegetables are overrated and get in the way of your busy lifestyle of internet, Dr.Who marathon, internet, masturbating, internet, organizing your vinyl collection and internet, yet you’d like to maintain the bare minimum amount of health to sustain a pulse and be considered technically alive, then here are some mediocre food-like items you can ingest to fool your pale, flabby, scurvy-ridden, atrophied body into believing you are on its side, some of the time.

1) Activia: It’s delicious! It’s creamy! It’s good for your digestive health! According to its web site, “Activia, with the probiotic culture called Bifidus Regularis (Bifidobacterium lactis DN-173 010 – what the fuck is that and should I be eating it?), works to help regulate your digestive system.” It also says that if you eat it daily for two weeks straight, you might start to see some benefits (in the toilet). What’s a little harder to find on their website is that for every 4 ounce container you eat, there is 20 grams of sugar. Not so healthy. They’ve also been sued by the government for propagating unsubstantiated health claims. Jamie Lee Curtis didn’t tell me that.

2) V-8 Fusion juices: A prefect, healthy, refreshing serving of fruits and vegetables without having to eat anything! How easy is that? Plus, they come in portable sizes, so I can put those colorful, heavy plastic bottles in my purse and then throw them on the street when I’m done! What’s not to like about that? Well, there’s hardly any nutrition in it. The only recognizable amount of any vitamin in an 8-oz serving of V-8 Fusion is Vitamin C, which you can get almost anywhere. The other benefits? 23 grams of sugar and 25 grams of carbs. It does, however, have lots of potassium, but you’re better off eating a banana. Or eating some ice cream. It’s up to you. I know which one I’d choose.

3) FiberOne Chewy Bars: Yes, they’re really called Chewy Bars. As in, Mmm! That’s chewy! And that’s lots of fiber for my rotten belly that hates me! Sure there’s some fiber, but there’s also tons of sugar, high fructose corn syrup, glycerin, oil (?) and yes, more sugar. It should be called SugarOneHundred. Eat a chocolate-covered apple  instead. Hey, do they make those?

4) Craisins: Oh Sweet Jesus, these are delicious. What does the name mean though? Crazy raisins? And how can fruit be so good? I mean, it’s just dried cranberries that have been kissed by angels, right? Wrong. There’s so much sugar in Craisins that you’d be a crazy raisin  insane to eat them. But hell, they are delicious.

5) Terra Exotic Harvest Sea Salt Chips: These carrot, blue potato and squash veggie chips by Terra offer a full serving of vegetables in every ounce. That’s amazing! So wait. I can eat chips and eat my vegetables at the same time? Sounds like some vegetable awesome to me. Don’t forget though – they are fried chips. That means oil and fat and salt. Lots of that. So, just eat a carrot. But dip it in some ranch dressing first.

In other words, please eat a piece of fruit and/or a vegetable once in a while and keep the sugar intake down to a minimum. You’ll thank me later.